I Live Where You Vacation

We all know the stereotypical tourist; the man dressed in shorts and a button up tee shirt, with pasty white legs and sunburnt arms and neck and the woman in her flowy long dress, big straw hat and oversized beach bag that’s over flowing with wet towels and sand. Oh and don’t let me forget to mention all of the crocs and fanny packs. Not just the ironic fanny packs worn by hipsters either, these are fanny packs that have been owned since the 90s and that mother swears upon to hold all of her most precious belongings (credit card, pass port, etc.) 

Well, this is what i see every single day. I never quite get board of it either. 

What also makes me giggle are the children they drag along. They come in many different styles compared to their parents. We have... 

1. Hipster kids

1. Spoiled rich kids that obviously don’t want to be on vacation that wear only high end fashion even thought they are only 12.
2. Spoiled rich kids that want to buy everything in the store... and their parents let them.
3. The kids who are very excited to be here that wear the fanny packs and crocs, and much prefer the great outdoors than the shopping centers
4. The kids who only care for the beach and all the surfing they can do around here.
5. Kids who are generally happy to be on vacation that wear tennis shoes and comfortable clothes, but still spend their money when they get here. 

... and so on and so forth. There are many other kinds of kids, but this is generally what you will see. (I like number 5 the best... and 3, but only because I work at a high end sunglasses store.)

Any who, I grew up in Michigan so I am NOT used to “these folks” unless I was one of “these folks”. (I think I’m #6 when I’m with my mom on vacation. I mean, might as well spend your money when you travel since you already spent a buttload getting there, right?) 

They talk constantly about “Island Time”. Which, in a former blog post, I set up a chart for those of you who don’t quite grasp the concept of “island time” because you live in a typical city in the states. (Sorry small towns, the conversion chart is a little different for you since time in a small town moves as fast as a snail on lunesta. Therefore, this “island time” is pretty much the same, but add crystal blue beaches and take away the smell of manure.) 

When I’m trying to walk to work on a busy ship day (4+ ships), I’m always stuck behind the “big boned” american couple walking like they have a ball and chain tethered around their cankles and announcing loudly to one another that it’s “island time baby” and they can take the precious time walking from one bar to another. I do that awkward dance behind them to see if there is one moment where I can slip past them, but there is never a moment, unless if I want to squeeze between their warm sticky bodies that haven’t adjusted from the climate change, so I’m not late. I don’t want to be rude, but you gotta do what you gotta do. 

Them...

...Me

I love tourists and all, but sometimes you guys just get in the way.

Then you also see things you don’t... well want to see. For example, I am aware that this is an island and we are literally surrounded by beaches, but that doesn’t mean you can wear your bathing suit everywhere. I know you want to whip out that sexy bathing suit that has been sitting in your closet for 4 months Mrs.Jones, but save that for the beach.

Strutting your stuff on the beach is wonderful, it’s just awkward when you’re walking through town half naked with parts of your body that haven’t seen the sun since the last time you took a vacation.. three years ago. 

Well, I don’t blame them I guess! The body needs a little bit of vitamin D when you work in the office 5 days a week and on top of that, it’s winter! 

Lastly, I know you’re on vacation and the bars here open at 9am, but does that really mean you need to drink? I understand, getting a nice local brew when you get off the boat is fun and makes you truly feel like you’re on vacation, but getting 3 rum punches by the time it’s 12pm is a bit much. When I work over in St.John, I’m right next to this bar, and once people get a few drinks in them, they think it is a wonderful idea to come in, say hi, mess up all the sunglasses, and then leave. It’s kind of funny sometimes, but it can get a bit old. 

There are TONS of bars here, and tons of different rums you can drink and order, but from what I remember, the cruise ships also have a bar on them. Well the only thing I can say is that people on vacation, despite how silly they look in their fanny packs and crocs, they follow one rule:

I know many people hate this saying, I know many people say “I want to punch a baby koala when I hear someone say YOLO” but loosen up, you grinch, take a joke and take off those narcissistic sunglasses. Maybe YOU need to take a vacation. So whip out your Hawaiian print and kaki shorts and strap on your fanny pack, come down to the wonderful island of St.Thomas, where the weather is nice, time moves at its own pace and you can drink anytime of the day. 

Good Day Sir!